Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we’re gonna need another temp

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

How much for the goth pool noodles?

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

What even happened today?

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy