Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
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Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub