Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
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Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Guy who likes music
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.