Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
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I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.