Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
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Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
decorating my apartment
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Don’t talk down to me
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”