@JennyJohnsonHi5 Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
@SlabBaconBP Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
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@JennyJohnsonHi5 
@Heartblakekid15 Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
@DelilahSmashbox I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
@primawesome My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
@murrman5 [at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
@DaddyJew [ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
@OMGSoOverIt When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
@mommajessiec Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
@jwoodham Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
@JohnLyonTweets Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.