Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
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I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit