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need him
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?