Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.