Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

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If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.


I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college


The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots


ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*


[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside


I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong


[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see


If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.


Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog