Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
You Might Also Like
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Mornin
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I can’t be the only one 😂
⛄️
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?