Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

Bro what is this

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?