@TweetToTheVoid2

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

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@bazlyons

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

@WittySassBasket

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

@HandyJack420

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

@GenreFilmAddict

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

@Rollinintheseat

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

@Michael1979

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

@SkippyMcGizzard

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

@envydatropic

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar