Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
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Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.