Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

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Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.


H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?


My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday


I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)


The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.


VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me


Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?


If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar