Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

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*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.


Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”


I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.


I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….


Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.


According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.


According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up


I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems


Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth


When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence