Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
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Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
She: I like Cats
He:
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails