She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”


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Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.


There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.


lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.


Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.


If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.


Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…


Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?



me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks