@Reverend_Scott Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
@dafloydsta [counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
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@Reverend_Scott 
@Kyle1092 There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
@deathoftheparty lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
@causticbob How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
@thejessbess Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
@angrynerdyshark Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
@SondraDeeMe If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
@djdarrellripley Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
@Bandersnaaatch Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
@GoodZiIIa [date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks