@dafloydsta

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

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@Reverend_Scott

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

@Kyle1092

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

@deathoftheparty

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

@causticbob

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

@thejessbess

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

@SondraDeeMe

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

@djdarrellripley

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

@Bandersnaaatch

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

@GoodZiIIa

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks