[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
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I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I’m good, thanks.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Travel bloggers during quarantine
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.