count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
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I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
We like the way Dwight thinks
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Stop.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?