Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
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Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.