Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
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Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
get you a girl who
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.