couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”