Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
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The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Only short people can save us
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
The asteroid..
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”