[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
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me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.