[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
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The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I enjoy a good short stor
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i