[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
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[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.