“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
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In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Software Development ⛵️
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Me :
All Day At Night
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.