Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
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Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Why does laundry happen to good people?
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.