(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
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*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I know this now 😂
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?