[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
You Might Also Like
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?