[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
You Might Also Like
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache