[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
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My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Venn
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
sensitive skin
is nasa ok
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..