[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
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Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
sry
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.