Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
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What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
me when I see my crush
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.