[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
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*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?