[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
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Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.