[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
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[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
The symmetry is uncanny.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”