courtroom exchange of the day
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You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
In case you needed to hear it:
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”