[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
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“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.