[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
You Might Also Like
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Canadian owl: Eh?
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes