@iinkedZombie

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

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@squirrel74wkgn

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

@ItsAndyRyan

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

@EmoPhilips

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

@LibertyLayne01

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

@SuperRandomish

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

@CatherineLMK

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

@Holy_Mowgli

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

@stephenjmolloy

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

@simoncholland

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.