Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
You Might Also Like
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome