[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
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Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.