Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
You Might Also Like
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine