cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
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I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea