[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
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Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.