COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
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Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
When your man makes a valid point
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled