Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
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People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.