Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
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The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.