@treydayway
@swiftenhaal “I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
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@swiftenhaal 
@SondraDeeMe If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
@QwertyJones3 *Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
@fuzzlime *finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
@BossChick2North When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
@KevinBuffalo Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
@Lazor2828 Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
@AndyAsAdjective Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
@MumInBits 5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
@Quartzjixler A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.