covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
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me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Candles never taste the way they smell
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]