cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
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I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping