cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Make new friends? bro out of what?
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
We found love in a hopeless place.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
some Old Testament wisdom
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER