Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
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MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
same bro
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]