@BoneChocolates

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

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@mompsychologist

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

@clichedout

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

@ArfMeasures

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

@occupied_stall

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

@hansabumsadaisy

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

@Matt_The_1st

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

@daddydoubts

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

@jjhartinger

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?