6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
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Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.