“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
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Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.