[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
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*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Had an epiphany today.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.