*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
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[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Truth
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
We found love in a hopeless place.