COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
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when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.